Blinded Read online

  “Were you, maybe, a little indiscreet?”

  “No, Jim. Not even a little. Until I saw the paper this morning, I’d totally forgotten about that part of our conversation. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that before this morning I hadn’t given what happened with your client a thought since you left my office.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Totally.” I was determined not to sound defensive. I wasn’t sure I was pulling it off. Instead I feared I sounded callous.

  Jim was quiet. From the change in the background sounds, I guessed he was walking around on Thirteenth Street, down from the corner where the old black guy played the saxophone weekends on the Mall. There wouldn’t be as many pedestrians on Thirteenth as there were on the Mall.

  “Well,” he said, “my guy had no reason to talk. And he assures me that he’s told nobody but me what happened.”

  “Cops have other ways of finding out things, Jim. I assure you that nobody heard it from me. Directly or indirectly.”

  “What about your notes?”

  “I don’t put things like this in my notes. Ever.” So much for not sounding defensive. Should I have told him that I wasn’t even certain I’d written any notes about the session? Nothing was to be gained by going down that road. “I think there might be something else going on here, Jim.”

  “Good, I’d love an explanation. I’m planning on talking with my guy later on today.”

  “I think it’s something we should talk about on Tuesday during our regular appointment.”

  “This can’t wait until Tuesday. What do you have Monday?”

  “I have a cancellation at eleven-fifteen. You want that?”

  “Fine.”

  “Jim, I suspect this has more to do with you and me-issues in the therapy; I suspect that trust is high on that list-than with whatever you told me during our last session.”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No.”

  “Jesus.”

  He hung up. Or the signal died. Either way, the deadness in my ear let me know I wasn’t talking with him any longer.

  The bedroom was dimly lit, blinds tilted to filter the western sun. The air had already taken on the stuffiness and stillness of an infirmary. Lauren didn’t lift her head from the pillow as I entered. But she said, “Hi, baby. How’s Grace doing?”

  “Good. She’s down for her nap. She ate a good lunch.”

  For a long moment I listened to her breathing, watched the bedding rise and fall above her chest.

  She said, “Would you call the neurologist for me? Set up the steroids? I’m ready to start.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Here, or at the hospital?”

  “Here.”

  “He may want to see you. That’s cool?”

  “Of course. And call somebody at work, tell them I won’t be in for-God, I don’t know-a few days.”

  “Sure. Is Elliot okay?” Elliot was one of Lauren’s favorite people at the office.

  “Elliot’s good.”

  I touched her through the bedding. “I love you. Know that.”

  “I know. I love you, too. And I’m sorry.”

  I sat on the edge of the bed and placed my hand against her cheek. I said, “Don’t be.”

  “I just am.”

  The home care nurse the neurologist sent over to our house arrived at dinnertime. She was a young woman named Petra, and I tried to engage her a little as she was gathering supplies. It didn’t work. My clinical antennae said she was battling chronic depression. For some reason-maybe it was the barely restrained scowl she shot my way when she learned my profession-I guessed that she had already suffered through a bad stint or two of psychotherapy and had been the unfortunate victim of multiple antidepressant failures-a couple of tricyclics, some SSRIs, and maybe even an MAOI or two.

  The good news is that what Petra gave up in gregariousness, she made up in efficiency. The IV was running and taped in place within ten minutes of her initial knock on our door. Moments after that she loaded the first gram of Solumedrol into a fat syringe and began pushing the liquid in it hard into the tube that led to Lauren’s purple vein.

  How much is a gram of steroids? If a healthy person were to injure a shoulder, say, or a hip, and a physician determined that major anti-inflammatory drugs were required, the doctor might prescribe oral steroids. Over five days of treatment the dose would decrease from a high of maybe thirty milligrams a day down to zero.

  Lauren had just received over thirty times that maximum dose, and she’d had it forced directly into her bloodstream all at once. And the exact same procedure-with the same megadose-would be repeated on each of the next three days.

  As I watched the blood pressure cuff inflate on her arm, Lauren managed a smile. She mounted the smile, I knew, for me. The syringe had just relinquished its final drops of steroids into the IV tube. She said, “The first twenty-four hours aren’t all bad, you know.”

  I touched her hair.And after that?I thought. After the first day became the second and the first gram of steroids was followed by another, and another, and then, damn it, another?

  After that, well, after that we’ll just jump off that damn bridge when we get to it, won’t we?

  It wasn’t until after Petra had departed-she’d left a buffalo cap behind affixed to the indwelling IV in Lauren’s forearm-that I realized that Gibbs had never called me about Sterling’s disappearance and possible demise in Georgia.

  I usually didn’t waste even a solitary calorie of effort worrying about patients whodidn’tcall me after hours. My consistent message as therapist to my patients was that I expected they could handle life’s stresses without checking in with me. I expected them not to call me after hours.

  But emergencies are emergencies. And missing husbands who are feared drowned are usually considered emergencies.

  As I prepared Grace’s dinner, I couldn’t help thinking that Gibbsshouldhave called. Since I left her at her house during the search warrant execution on Friday, she’d had to endure an uncomfortable interview by Carmen Reynoso. Her husband had disappeared and was feared dead in some river I’d never heard of in Georgia. That had to be stressful.

  I couldn’t help wondering why she didn’t call.

  I thought of calling her, checking on her. I really did. The very fact that I was considering it was so unusual that it caused me to recall Diane’s admonition that I was treating Gibbs differently than I would treat some other patient, which for some reason caused me to jump to a very disconcerting association to Teri Reginelli andhachas en cabezas.

  I had an appointment with Gibbs Monday morning near dawn. If she could wait until then, I could wait until then.

  THIRTY-THREE

  My best guess is that Lauren hobbled out of bed after a few fitful hours of sleep somewhere around threeA.M.The primary short-term side effect of high-dose steroids is agitation, and she was agitated. Not wide awake, but agitated. I followed her out to the living room to check on her but never looked at the clock. She got herself settled on the sofa with the remote control and sent me back to bed. Did I sleep after that? I don’t know. I do know that the alarm jangled at five forty-five.

  Grace started squealing at five forty-seven. She was my snooze alarm.

  Viv, our daytime nanny, arrived at six thirty-five. I filled her in before I kissed Lauren and Grace and ran to my car at full speed.

  Emily’s paw umbrellaclack-clackedon the floor as she chased me to the door. I apologized to her because I didn’t have time to make repairs.

  Gibbs looked much better put together for our seven o’clock appointment than I did. The morning was brisk, and she was modeling her fall things. The autumn forecast, fashionably speaking, apparently called for snug black jeans, tight sweaters, and large beads of silver and gold. Gibbs wore it all well, no surprise.

  I’d brought coffee from home. Gibbs had stopped at Starbucks. Every time she sipped, she left a slightly wider lipstick stain on the p
lastic cover of the paper cup.

  “Whew, interesting weekend” was her opener.

  I suppose.I tried to read her face for signs of what she might be feeling, but no clues jumped at me.

  I did, however, check “distressed” from my list.

  “Tell me,” I said. I could just as easily have chosen silence or said “go on” or “yes,” but “tell me” is what I chose.

  “I talked with that detective, finally.”

  She lifted her latte and took a baby sip. I expected her to continue with her tale of her meeting with Reynoso, but she returned the cup to the small table between us and looked at me expectantly.

  I sat holding my mug just below my chin with both hands, and I waited. Gibbs had apparently decided that this appointment was going to be more dental than psychological and that it was going to be my job to pull the teeth. In turn, I decided that it wasn’t going to happen. In therapy, when things go according to plan, the patient sets the pace.

  On good days in the therapist’s chair, I could outwait Job. And I felt like having a good day.

  I needed a good day.

  Two minutes, maybe three, later, Gibbs blinked. “Oh, and I met that friend of yours. Detective Purdy? He stopped by my house yesterday for a visit. He’s so nice. Don’t you think he’s nice?”

  I thought,You have to be kidding.

  But I kept my face impassive and said, “Tell me.” Steam blossomed up from the mug below my chin.

  I allowed Gibbs to go on uninterrupted. She sensed, I think, that her story was causing me consternation, but I doubted that she understood why I was feeling almost cataplectic at what she was telling me.

  If Gibbs was to be believed-and I admitted to myself that I was experiencing more than a few instances of severe doubt about the veracity of her story-Sam was probably well over halfway, or more, to Georgia as she and I were speaking. I’d been on road trips with Sam before. The image in my head needed no further developing. He was crammed behind the wheel of his Jeep Cherokee, listening to some music that was as full of lament as was his current life. He was hungry. He was cranky. Road maps were spread out on the passenger seat beside him. Maybe they had already crumpled into heaps on the floor. He’d marked his preferred route with a pastel highlight pen, then marked an alternative in a different color. Something you could count on when traveling with Sam was that every time he stopped for gas, he would decide that there was a better way to get from where he was to wherever he wanted to be.

  If it was more than an hour from his last fuel stop, he probably needed to visit a bathroom. But he wouldn’t pull over again until he needed gasoline. Highway rest stops were for wusses. Sam was a velocity traveler, not a comfort traveler. Bladder be damned, full speed ahead.

  I was willing to make a guess that he was someplace in Arkansas or, if he was making particularly good time, had already crossed the border into Louisiana.

  I had a fleeting wish that I was beside him, riding shotgun. Sam grows reflective on long trips. The monotony of the road or the infinity of the sky or something about the miles passing below his feet causes him to consider opening windows into his life that were otherwise nailed shut and hung with blackout curtains.

  There was so much for Sam and me to discuss right then: Sherry. Simon. Heart disease. Rehab. Cop work. Lauren’s exacerbation. The future.

  God, the future.

  And of course, Gibbs and Sterling Storey.

  But the real reason I had a yearning to be sharing the Jeep with him was that I wanted to be a fly on the wall, a silent spectator, as the inevitable collision occurred between the recalcitrant Iron Ranger and the southern good old boy. I wanted to watch as Northern Minnesota, personified by Sam, said hello to Southern Georgia, personified by any number of unwitting volunteers. I would have paid good money for a chance to witness what happened as Sam Purdy tried to reconnoiter Dixie.

  I blinked myself back to the present. Gibbs was still talking, oblivious to the extended holiday my attention had just taken.

  “He said he’d call when he got to Albany, but I don’t expect that will be before tonight. I’m thinking thirty hours minimum.”

  “Tonight,” I repeated for no other reason than to get my bearings. I didn’t bother telling her that Sam would be doing the trip nonstop; that his head wouldn’t see a motel pillow between here and there. I didn’t know the mileage, but Gibbs should be dividing by seventy-five-plus miles per hour, not any pedestrian fifty-five.

  “You think sooner? You know better than I do, I’m sure. Cops don’t have to drive the speed limit, do they? He could just flash his badge and make the ticket go away, couldn’t he?”

  With those words she grew silent.

  I used the interlude to consider the obvious. What was it Sam hoped to accomplish in Georgia? I knew him well enough to suspect that his motive had nothing to do with what he had told Gibbs: that he wanted to help her find her husband in the Ochlockonee River.

  In usual circumstances Sam wouldn’t have driven to Denver to look for Sterling Storey in the shallows of the South Platte.

  So then, why?

  The silence spread between us like a little pond of fetid water. We each sat on an opposing shore.

  Gibbs finally said, “He used to think he was falling. Sterling did. That’s when he used to say ‘catch me.’ Isn’t it ironic? Isn’t it? And now he goes and… disappears trying to catch somebody else. He really was falling, and there was nobody there to catch him.”

  The abrupt change in direction threw me, once again, off balance. The invisibility of the silent associations that had helped Gibbs traverse the undoubtedly rich affective territory between Sam’s arrival time in Albany, Georgia, and her husband’s beseeching her for support while he fantasized himself falling perplexed and frustrated me.

  Catch me.Yes. Gibbs had once told me something about Sterling saying “catch me.”

  But what?

  Sex. Was it sex? It was probably sex. But I couldn’t remember. My brain was on full overload. I felt as though I hadun hacha en mi cabeza.

  It probably had been sex. An awful lot of what Gibbs ended up talking about seemed to ultimately be about sex. Maybe Diane was right: Maybe I just had a difficult time hearing it.

  I asked, “Literally falling? Or figuratively falling?”

  “Gosh, that’s an interesting question,” Gibbs said. “I never really thought about that. I always thought he meant falling like that first time on the balcony. Do you remember?”

  Do I remember? Do I remember what?

  “He was leaning against the side railing, and I was in front of him, you know… I was wearing a skirt. But I wasn’t wearing any…”

  She blushed a little. I finished her sentence in my head. The next word was going to be “underwear.”

  Diane would have corrected me. She would have maintained that Gibbs’s next word was going to be “panties.”

  “Well, I don’t have to paint a picture for you, do I?” she said.

  I considered whether the comment was flirtatious or seductive. Although it probably was, a conclusion escaped me. This was not my morning for clarity. I could blame it on the early hour, but that wasn’t the cause.

  No, of course not,I said to myself,you don’t have to paint a picture for me. I already have one:New Year’s Eve party, Wilshire Boulevard. The balcony of a friend’s condo. You and Sterling, the first time you had sex. You weren’t wearing any…

  “That was the first time Sterling said ‘catch me,’ ” I said. My words sounded insincere, even to me. I knew I was saying them to offer proof that I remembered what she had told me.

  “Yes,” she murmured, reflecting on something I couldn’t fathom, perhaps my insincerity.

  “He said it again last week,” I pointed out.

  She nodded. “When we were…”

  She stopped herself, searching for the correct verb. For that particular activity there were a lot of choices.

  Then I remembered. Gibbs had already told me that
she could see another couple in the bedroom that night. They were… doing that verb, too. I said, “There was another couple, too. That night in L.A. In the bedroom next door.”

  “Yes. Yes, there was.”

  She seemed surprised that I knew. Had she actually forgotten telling me? Had she?

  “Sterling was so afraid he’d lose control. Lose his balance. That he’d fall, somehow. We were ten stories up, at least. That’s when he said ‘catch me.’ He said it like he meant it.”

  In my head I was playing with the geometry and the anatomy and the physics and the possible erotic acrobatics. I didn’t see how Sterling could have been at much risk of actually going over the railing backward-he wasn’t that tall, and Gibbs had the body mass index of a large butterfly-but then my personal experience in such matters was limited. Diane would be able to explain it to me: She’d be the kid in the back row with her hand in the air, yelling, “I know that one. I know that one.”

  I said, “Really? He was really frightened of falling? Or was it, perhaps, something else?”

  “That day, really. Later, I think it was something else. Afraid of falling, you know, metaphorically. He’d say ‘catch me’ when he was feeling down. Lost. He was asking for my help. To save him, I think.”

  “Was it always sexual?” I asked. Immediately-I mean instantaneously-I knew I’d asked the wrong question. At the very least I’d asked a question when I should have sat as mute as a bronze Buddha.

  “Was what sexual?” she asked in return.

  I tried to recover. “Sterling’s concern about falling. Did he only say ‘catch me’ in sexual situations?”

  She lifted the Starbucks cup, popped off the lid, and drained whatever remained of her morning coffee. Mocha-stained foam coated her upper lip like sea froth on a glossy red shore. She used her tongue to wipe her lip clean. She did it slowly, deliberately. Out first, then side to side.

  Seductively? I just didn’t know. I wanted to see the replay. Sometimes I just needed to see the replay.

  She said, “We’re back there again, aren’t we?”